Personal Roadblocks

I did something very exciting yesterday -- I dropped off my paintings at the Leep Gallery to be installed for the Healer's Art show. But something else happened that was interesting but not so exciting: my anxiety went through the roof. Basically, my id, ego and superego got in a three-way Joan-Collins-meets-Linda-Evans-in-the-fountain catfight.

Here's my 10-cent anaylsis of it. Id says to the other two, "yo, I wanna CREATE! Let's slap some paint on the canvas! Let's move to Paris and raise Will in a bohemia conclave! Ooo, look - a rainbow!"

Anal-retentive ego, our mediator agrees but lays down the rules, "It would be fabulous for us to paint, but let's organize our thoughts so we have a cohesive idea since we have to do this with a theme in mind."

Id: "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I like BLUE!"

Superego decides to pipe in, and throw a blanket on the proceedings: "paint? She's not a painter! What do you think she's going to be able to do?"

Ego: "I believe she has a great sense of color and composition that will marry well with the theme and an artistic interpretation of what she wants to communicate. This will turn out very well."

Id: "Pretty! Potato!"

Superego: "This is going to suck, THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOU!"

[end scene]

The above illustrates, in a humorous way, the personal roadblocks I set up for myself. I wonder how many masterpieces have died an early death at the hands of my worst critic, myself.

In a way, the superego provides a great service, preventing me from potential disaster, wastes of time, and general bad ideas. The "edit" button has, in the past, made my work better and keeps the wheels turning towards better, and bolder, ideas.

But it can also be self-defeating if it takes over. A thought such as "perhaps it would be better to do this instead of that" can quickly become "why bother, you suck!"

I wish I were like my friend Leslie who either has no internal negative dialogue or she simply tunes it out. It seems like she always has the best ideas, the most fun, the greatest innovations. If she fails, she always sees it as a stepping stone towards improving on the previous idea. Is it optimism, her belief in her great ideas, or her creative marrying her engineering praticality?

I think my superego is also ruled by fear. I can flash back to some long-forgotten Children of Mary Christmas party when my sister convinced me that it would be a good idea for me to go up on stage and do a lip synch to Anne Murray's "Out On the Road." This did not go well, and I remember the pain of not only bombing, but being ill-prepared besides. Wow, I couldn't have been older than 8 at the time... No one wants to be laughed at, unless of course laughs were what you wanted.

But I'm still putting myself out there, sticking my toe in the pools of creativity and shyly offering my prizes to the general public. Some have been celebrated, like my Beaded Curtain at ArtPrize and the Mrs. Hannigan skating routine. Some haven't turned out so well, like pumpkin pie and the Willie Nelson program. For each moment I stick my neck out, I learn a little more, get a little bit braver, and hope to God that people like it.