What's Right in the World: Pancerz Family Portrait

All my greats as little kids.

I recently celebrated the life of my great aunt Ciocia Lottie (third from left, leaning against her father), the sister of my grandmother Bobbie (seated on porch above and behind her father, the brunette). It was at the luncheon after the funeral that my father's cousin Ron showed us the photograph above.

Stories of my grandmother's childhood and marriage were not discussed much. My great-grandfather, mustached, died far too young in the 30s, leaving my great-grandmother a widow with 10 children to raise, this picture taken before the arrival of Ciocia Stella and Ciocia Ona. My grandmother herself was a young widow, my grandfather passing at age 42 when my dad was 17. I think stories were just too hard to tell.

But throughout the years, the stories, however limited, have trickled in and photos like this a glimpse into the past and a hint at my heritage. Of course I entered their life late in the game, and while I see a glimpse of the adult in the faces of these kids, I only know a facet of their lives.

Ciocia Anna, the oldest in the print dress, I remember fresh churned butter and huge homemade pickles in stoneware crocks.

Ciocia Chi Chi, (first from left) who is still with us, I remember the best sloppy joes for lunch before she took us to the club to swim. Also her gentle nature and elegance. She got me hooked on Smokehouse Almonds, the preferred snack for family gatherings, typically graduation or communion parties.

Ciocia Lottie, I remember helping her pick vegetables before swimming at her pool. Also, I was one of her "crew" when she volunteered to work bingo at our church. She always loaded us up with candy and popcorn to go, along with an extra dollar or two.

Uncles Poncho, Splitty and Gene are a blur of men with face-splitting smiles, comb-overs and cigars who would gleefully send us kids up to the bar of any family party to get them a beer and inevitably slip us some money. They used to buy me all kinds of junk food when I would accompany  my dad for Tuesday night bowling. Wow, the 70s, where an 8 year old could saddle up to bar and order a beer for her uncle and be served without a blink of an eye.

Uncle Joe, the baby in the picture is someone I was particularly close to. Polka Joe was his nickname, in honor of his long-standing radio program "Polka Time with Joe and Lil." For a while there, he added "and Mo," since I was his "intern" for a number of years. I helped DJ the show from '87 to '89, allowing them to take a few vacations. He let me rewrite his radio commercials, which he never used. He taught me valuable lessons in the art of advertising. The first was truth in advertising, as he would never take a sponsor he felt was detrimental to the message of his show. Also, how important honest and real relationships are built with clients. His 30-second commercials typically turned into 3 minute yarns about having a tasty burger at Hankard Hills Golf Course after playing a round with my Uncle Splitty. You knew when he told those stories, they really happened, he patronized his patrons.

Ciocia Ona, real name Leona, alternate nickname Bubbles, is a firecracker of a woman who had 5 kids, a pool, a Mary in a bathtub shrine, a pond and a mini airstream trailer that we kids spent the night in. She also had an electric stove top - space age! - where she made pancakes while I sat at the counter creating puzzle games. As the youngest, she has had the burden of catering the luncheons for her siblings.

Ciocia Stella, the quietest of the sisters, is nonetheless one of the sweetest people on the planet. She and Ciocia Ona are a one-two punch of youthful tomboyishness who can cook a traditional Polish feast with a pound of hamburger and a few potatoes.

After taking a snap of the photo with my smart phone (ah, technology!), I found myself peering closely at the picture under the self-centered guise of seeing a glimpse of myself in the faces of the people who came before me. From my great-grandmother and grandmother, I see my nose and the shape of my mouth, but precious little else. But instead of mere physical features, I like to think I inherited things like tenacity, character, integrity as well as a sense of style since all my aunties love dressing up.

I love you all.

And as pure as art can be, this portrait has inspired my ambition to recreate it. I think I see a future project.

March Playlist/Why Arts Matters: Madonna!

She's a boy toy! She's a Marilyn wannabe! And she's a cartoon!

My affection for Madonna is deeply personal. She debuted on the scene during my tender teenage years, and I'd like to think I learned a thing or two from the Material Girl.

While we are both Michigan girls, her world was completely different from mine. I was strictly small town, the stuff of Bob Seger songs and John Mellencamp videos. Yet through her, I learned about cultures, lifestyles, religion and beliefs other than my own. I learned about pushing my boundaries, little by little, and removing the blinders that made living in a small town safe, but limiting. I learned to scare myself, just a little.

For that, I love her.

So let me slip back to the days where I popped the collar of my neon yellow striped camp shirt, jangle my memory like so many jelly bracelets, and bend an ear in honor of the dynamic shape-shifter.

Borderline - craptastic boyfriend wants to ignore the newly successful M to play pool with his boys? Honey, you turn in your Keith Haring heels and march right over to that cute photographer, put that jaunty little beret on and show him who's boss. The HIM being both of them, of course.

Burnin' Up - It wasn't the song or the chorus so much as the bridge that I can quote with fervent enthusiasm "oh! do you want to see me down on my knees? I'm bending over backwards, now would you be pleased? Unlike the others I'll do anything. I'm not the same, I have no shame, I'm on.. FIRE!"

Love Don't Live Here Anymore - angst! Tonic to the lovelorn ears of a young teen! The original better than the '95 remake. Notable for the first time she performed with an orchestra.

Material Girl - what I loved about this was the fact the small-minded reactionary critics just didn't get it. The whole premise of the song was the fact she wasn't materialistic, backed up by the video. Loved her candy box pink dress in the video, I want it still. Guess that makes me a material girl.

Angel - light as air and frothy as a dream confection, this song instantly takes me back to 1984.

Get Into the Groove - from Desperately Seeking Susan, it's not about boys, it's just about dancing and having a good time.

Crazy for You - has been mentioned here in the past for a reason. Saturday night dances at school. Hanging out in the parking lot after work, swaying together but not exactly dancing.

Open Your Heart - I can remember the first time I heard it, with Eric and Maria. We were at Eric's house anticipating the debut of the new video and we exploded just like a gaggle of excited teens in an after school special.

Papa Don't Preach - I doodled swatch watch designs based on her "Italians Do It Better" look.

She never looked more beautiful. *sigh*

La Isla Bonita - my favorite song off the True Blue album, quite possibly one of my favorite songs ever. I tried for months to get the shoulder roll and knee sink down perfectly.

Causing a Commotion - from the movie Who's That Girl? Great animated opening by indie darling artist turned musician April March. She opened the Who's That Girl tour with this song, super fun. I wish I still had the concert tee, with it's eyeballs on each breast.

Like a Prayer, the album - I had to do it like this, because when I started line listing songs, I listed the whole thing. This album is a collection of bold statements, soul-baring ballads, odes to mom, confessions of spousal abuse, frothy love songs, sexy love songs, a child's tune and a bizarre confession of arguing with a hotel desk clerk. I can still smell the patchouli from the cassette case.  Deeply personal album for me, it saw me through some of the most tumultuous times in my life, romantic and otherwise.

Now I'm Following You - a cool mix of big band song samples from the soundtrack set to modern dance grooves, I STILL want to do a skating number to this song.

Vogue - badass.  

Justify My Love - It's Madonna in black and white writhing in lingerie, while Lenny Kravitz sings off camera somewhere. Ripe for parody, I remember one too many drunken nights sliding down a wall while declaring "I want to run naked in a rainstorm..."  She parodied it herself on SNL, with Wayne and Garth. Schwing!

Rain - Erotica was the first time a Madonna project made me pause and think "I don't think I can take this journey with you love." Rain, however, was a lush yet dark ballad that felt like a thunderstorm, a contradiction of dark and light.  

This Used to Be My Playground - a warm transition from the coldness of Erotica, this song comes from one of my favorite movies, A League of Their Own, in which M played All the Way Mae.  

Human Nature - a middle finger to her critics, M's rallying cry was loud and clear "express yourself, don't repress yourself." Point taken.  

Take a Bow - one of my all time favorite Madonna tunes. It's beautifully orchestrated, with a compelling storyline in the video. I don't think she has ever sounded better vocally.  

Bedtime Story - I've always thought this was Madonna at her Bjorkiest, and was delighted to see the crazy singer from Iceland actually wrote it for her. The video is trippy, and the vocals hypnotic.  

Ray of Light - a joyful tune reflected in the birth of Madonna's daughter and her worldview. A radical changed from the usual dance pop. Man, this thing exploded when it came out.  

Frozen -  creepy new-aged Madonna, a song that evokes Madonna as a goth, a cloak turning into black birds, and warring Russian ice dancers. No matter how long it has been, I will always associate Grishuk and Usova to this song, complete with hair pulling and drink throwing. Forget Basketball Wives, let's see a reality show around combative Olympic Ice Dancers. And, um, Maia and Pasha -- was Zhulin really worth it?

Candy Perfume Girl - Another song for her daughter, a song that while I don't recall any lyrics, the chorus and it's hypnotic chant is currently running on a loop in my head. Girl...boy...girl...boy.

Romp with an international man of mystery, yeah baby!

Beautiful Stranger -  M's contribution to the Austin Powers franchise, it's a little bit 60s mod, a little bit comedy, and a whole lot of fun. Went to see this with my friend Brian during those summer Friday half days at the Bulb. I think it was 106 degrees outside when we saw this.

Music - another instance where I thought maybe Madonna was following a trend instead of creating it, with the guest rappers, cowboy punk and bling. Catchy tune.   

Die Another Day - Madonna is a Bond Girl!  

Hung Up -  Disco Queen Madonna, complete with leotards, leg warmers and an ABBA sample. By this time, my interest in her output has completely waned, but at this point, it is beside the point. Her place in the annuals of pop music firmly in place, with a now-respectable member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and her influence reaching sublimely across the years through acts such as Adele

Typing Out Loud: Doing Stuff that Scares You

Scaaaary.

One of the more interesting comments I've received from people as I explore being an artist, a runner, a skater and even a writer is how brave I am. Um, really?

Then I look at where I came from, even how I felt the past couple weekends (5K and skating comp) and have to admit, some chutzpah was required.

What is startling for me to realize is my inner critic, the bane of everything I do, plays a starring role in coming close to paralyzing me with fear. At my first skating competition "you're not a real skater!" At my first run "you're not a real runner!" At my first art show "you're not a real artist!"

Jeez, shut up already.

But the bravery comment tells me I'm not alone in having a cranky superego. But why do I have it?

First instance of all and out fear in the face of performance was when I was at the Children of Mary banquet when I was maybe 7? Plans were to do skits and my idea was to lip synch a Helen Reddy song, a song I didn't particularly like but received the 45 as a present from my cousin.

It was improv. It was a disaster. What 7 year old can do improv? I failed and rushed off the stage to laughter and pity.

But instead of saying "I'll never do THAT again!" I remember thinking I needed to prepare in order to do it again in the future. Even though it scared me, I volunteered to be a reader in church, under the guise that it would become less scary the more I did it.

My first skating competition, I was so nervous, I didn't eat for 3 days beforehand. I remember being terrified to compete, but also knew I'd hate myself if I punked out. My first River Bank Run, I was convinced I would come in last, or not finish, or someone would sneeringly pass judgement that I wasn't a runner. Tears, yes real tears of anxiety mingled with my morning banana an hour before I eventually crossed the finish line.

Every time, I knew that although I was frightened, I would be even more disappointed if I were to quit or not attempt my goal.

OMG, pretty! Can I do it?

So, what's on deck to scare me this time? I upped the ante for the RBR from a 5 to a 10K. I applied to be a Champion team member for a local insurance company. And, I made the goal to be in a bikini by July 1 - thanks swimsuit issue of SI.

Of all of these, the bikini terrifies me the most. Why? It's like being on that stage again, at the age of 7, with all those eyes judging me; instead of baring my obvious lack of karaoke skills, I'll be baring my midriff at the age of 43-going-on-44. And that would terrify anyone, but there's no way I can NOT do it now. But as I have learned as one thing after another scares the pants off me, the effort and result is worth it.

Typing Out Loud: What Do You See?

Self loathing! Gaaahhh!

Weight Watchers is running a campaign where thin clients rip pictures of their formerly bulky selves in half, and pitch the paper towards the camera.

I'm not impressed. Matter of fact, I'm pretty annoyed.

One of the very reasons I resisted a lifestyle change over a year ago in the first place was the apparent necessity towards self-loathing as a key to success. I know it works, that what I used to do as a teenager, but it didn't make me, or anyone around me, happy. I remember one ex in particular who would hang up on me when I would lament over the phone, "I'm so faaaaaaaaat."

As an adult, I resisted this line of thinking and practically rebelled against it. "I like who I am," I'd grumble as I tried one thing after another (why oh why couldn't I have been diagnosed diabetic earlier?!) without success.

A recent podcast from Stuff Mom Never Told You supports my line of thinking, Is Dieting Anti-Feminist? As one of the hosts says, "I fell down the diet rabbit hole." There are feminists out there who are against dieting for the wrong reasons - vanity, approval from men, succumbing to societal pressure for the feminine ideal.

But one of the hosts also said (not quoted exactly, sorry) that dieting shouldn't be a feminist issue, it is a health issue, and should be about one taking care of themselves for the betterment of their own lives.

As someone who has gone through a major life transformation, I couldn't agree more.

But I also know my stance could also be seen as hypocritical. Part of the emotional roller coaster I've gone through the past year has included a ton of self reflection and self loathing. In September, I was not too far away from being a photo-ripper as I reviewed in horror photos from the past 5, 6 years when I was my heaviest.

This past weekend, I reviewed these pictures again. What did I see?

• A host mom to a ballplayer who adored her.
• A competitive figure skater at nationals having fun in the stands with friends.
• A successful business woman embarking on her own freelance business.
• An artist winning Best in Show.
• A new mom.
• A wife mugging on the arm of a happy husband.
• A gal with a gleam in her eye at a friend's Halloween party.
• A sister goofing in the kitchen at her parent's house.

No, there isn't a single part of my life I will ever deny. I hope no one who reads this blog ever will either. Life is too much of a fantastic journey to turn your back on any portion of your life.

And for the record, while typing this, every time I typed "part," I accidentally typed in "party." That ought to tell you something.

Why Art Matters: John Kricfalusi

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

I went on a little Rolling Stones video bender on YouTube, and was delightfully surprised to realize one of my favorite videos of the era, the animated gem Harlem Shuffle, was done by none other than John Kricfalusi.

John K is a Canadian born illustrator, founder of the studio Spumco. He grew up copying images from the golden age of animation, his heroes being Tex Avery, John Clampett and Chuck Jones. Y'know, the guys responsible for the multi-layered funny for kids but also for adults Bugs Bunny cartoons.

His love for this animation led to his own unique style, where one historian noted "no cartoonist since Clampett created cartoons in which the emotions of the characters distort their bodies so powerfully."

He created the Ren and Stimpy Show, which debuted on Nickelodeon in 1991. The high-strung chihuahua and stupid cat were famous for their off-color humor, oddball references, sexual innuendo and excessive violence, of course the perfect recipe to be a huge hit among the college crowd.

College kids watching a naughty cartoon on Nickelodeon. Something had to give.

The more the network pushed for cleaner R&S episodes, the raunchier K made them, the more we adult children loved them. It imploded, creative control was taken away from K, and R&S failed to survive past the third season.

R&S made it ok for edgy animation to exist, such as South Park and Beavis and Butthead. The conflict with the network coincided with the emergence of the internet, which led to K creating what has been billed as the first web-based interactive cartoon.

John K has remained busy with his web-based animation as well as music videos, commercial work, and other network cartoon programming. But for me, he is the creator of the coolest Stones video, Powdered Toast Man, and Log "it's big, it's heavy, it's wood... it's better than bad, it's good!"

A Valentine Ditty for Will

A sweet for my sweet.

The Whitecaps have a contest going, where they are asking entrants to submit a poem for their love, the winner getting chocolates and roses delivered by the mascot Crash. Dave works well outside the delivery area, and what little kid wouldn't love to have a team mascot deliver candy to them at school?

So mom put fingers to keyboard and came up with this silly little ditty.

There simply is no greater joy,
Than William Garland, my little boy.

His play is inventive, his games oodles of fun,
His smile infectious, he keeps me on the run.

As his imagination continues to grow,
He pretends to be a train, a cook or a super hero.

He loves sports of all kinds, pretends he's Rocky,
And even figure skating, which he calls "dance hockey."

Will's favorite is baseball, can't wait 'til they're back,
Guys like Michael and Logan and Ryan and Zach.

He's a host little brother, at our house he rules,
(And all of the players think he's cool.)

Every day he's outfitted with a bat, hat or glove,
I'm happy we can share a game we both love.

February Playlist: World Music for Dummies (that be me)

Cusack having trouble finding South African rap music he heard at a coffeehouse?

My knowledge of this genre is woefully deficient, but sometimes you need a broader worldview than BTO's "Takin' Care of Business" can provide.

That is why WYCE is a godsend, you can be listening to folk music from Ukraine then jazz from Ireland. Movies too provide a viewers an opportunity to expand one's musical tastes. 

I've come up with a handful of songs from my limited world music vocabulary, and hope to expand it in the future. Not sure if Peruvian folk chants are in my wheelhouse, but maybe...

Jaan Pehechan Ho, Mohammed Rafi - India - I really dug this opening video from the movie Ghost World, the video itself an excerpt from the Bollywood movie Gumnaam. It resurfaced last year in a beer commercial. Rafi is India's Kenny Loggins, singing more than 4500 film songs in many different languages and Indian dialects. He is considered a legend.

Ça Plane Pour Moi, Plastic Bertrand - France - Another movie soundtrack song, this one from European Vacation. It was used again in 2011 for the movie Jackass 3.5. Plastic Bertrand is a Beligan punk rock artist who has been recording music since 1975, and this song was an international hit in 1977, well before the release of Vacation in 1985 here in the U.S.

Too Sad to Cry, Imelda May - Ireland - One of those moments when you ask "what's that!?" and Shazam the song to get the details. May is a singer with strong rockabilly influences, not exactly as in demand as Beyonce's brand of pop, but one of my favorite musical genres.

I Walk Like Jayne Mansfield, 5.6.7.8s - Japan - Another soundtrack, this from Kill Bill Vol. 1. They are an all-girl rock trio specializing in rockabilly and surf. Yoshiko, the lead guitarist/vocalist, has a "Teenage Queen Delinquent" tattoo on her upper right arm - awesome!

Character, Richard Thompson - England - Folkie that the critics love but doesn't really get too much airplay on mainstream rock. Rolling Stone had two of his albums in their top 500 of all time list. TWO! Of course, he's flown completely under my radar until driving through downtown Chicago when this song came on and Dave and I both scrambled toShazam it to download later. Total fail, so we had to wait for the DJ to blurt it out. I haven't been able to find the song anywhere on iTunes, so this may be one of those fantastic, fleeting moments of musical love.

Cup of Life, Ricky Martin - Puerto Rico - He and J.Lo really helped explode Latin music in the mainstream in the late 90s. This was the World Cup of soccer song I think in 1999, and basically, a party-your-ass-off tune.

This is Me in Grade 9, Barenaked Ladies - Canada - Indie rockers with a keen sense of humor. They went from LAV underground to mainstream with the hit "One Week," but the album Gordon is just too awesome. I picked this song because while there are universal high school angst themes in the lyrics, the song is also uniquely reflective of being a Canadian in the 80s. Bonus! Spirit of the Radio sample.

Ugh, this list is pathetic. Any suggestions on how to broaden my horizons is greatly appreciated.