Desolation Angel

Maybe if I looked like I didn't care...?

The weather was odd today; dark, heavy rain and the air couldn’t decide if it was hot or cold. That, coupled with the time-honored high school traditions taking place in surrounding communities, brought me back to memories of my first date.

And it wasn't pleasant. 

Back in 1985, I had just turned sixteen, and finally allowed to start dating one on one instead of hanging out in a group. The season was also winding down at A&W where I worked, and all of us were making plans to keep in touch. That’s when Sheryl told me her friend Bill thought I was cute. 

He was a year older. On the cross country team. HE was cute. And! He! Thought! I! Was! Cute!

Both of us were a bit shy with each other, yet somehow the plan was made that he would take me to the Vandercook Lake homecoming game and the dance afterwards. I’m thrilled and accept. 

Day of homecoming and I'm eagerly waiting for my date, butterflies fluttering. Six o’clock comes and goes. Six fifteen. Six thirty. My father, who had been waiting for my date to arrive to size him up, attempts to hide his embarrassment as he leaves to referee a football game. Six forty, I am trying to decide what to do with myself when Bill comes screaming up the driveway, apologizes for being late, and we hightailed it to the school.

See, he’s part of the homecoming court, had stuff to do and had still more stuff to do, like deliver the game ball, which was sitting in the backseat. He parks behind the school, jumps out, and says he will be right back.

Clusters of students walk by, and peer into the car, wondering who that girl is in Bill's car. I see the marching band march out of the school. Then back into the school. I don’t see Bill again until the third quarter. In the meantime, I cry, I rage, I panic, and just when his friends happen by to rescue me, he shows up. 

He then tells me he’s tired and would like to take me home. Horrified, I agree that’s a good idea. He would like for us to go on another date, and I quietly say no thank you. 

That homecoming day was a day like this, and driving in the rain, I remember how lonely it was sitting in that car. Wondering if things like this happened to more attractive girls. First date and I knew there were politics on a sliding scale involved. If I were prettier, like Sheryl, would he have been back first quarter, or grabbed my arm and taken me along with him? Or was I expected to be a good sport, grateful for some attention? 

As it were, Sheryl was furious with him, but the damage was done. I was hurt and embarrassed and the doubt that maybe I was set up as a joke crept in and our friendship did not recover. 

Bill and I never went on that second date. 

I saw him a year later, at my senior prom, his date was my cousin Jackie. I remember thinking, at least one member of the family merited his full attention for the duration of an evening. 

It’s astonishing to me that although I’ve grown, there are some hurts that stay with you. Remind you of being a lonely 16 year old stranded in a car. He probably hasn’t given that night a passing thought in 37 years. I wish I could say the same.